The End.

It’s the end of 2015. Where do I even begin, writing about how this year was for me? Many tend to review their resolutions they had at the start of the year. Mine was to chase after the things I love and what makes me happy. Sounds simple, right?

To put it bluntly, it was a terrible year. If 2005 was the toughest year for me, 2015 would be ranked as my second.

Tough in every aspect: physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. My hands caved in to the immense pressure I had put them under at work. I lost a best friend. I broke a heart and had mine broken twofold. I had a lot of questions and doubts about my faith, to the point where the struggle with spiritual frustration was so real to me.

It was an extremely draining year, and now looking back, I wonder how did I manage to get through it all. I took a very deep plunge this year, and it gave me a tiny glimpse of what my dad must have felt years ago. It was a moment of darkness that was too much to bear, and I knew that I had to rid myself of this terrible feeling one way or another. I just didn’t know how to go about it or how long it’d take for me to recover.

But deep down, I knew I needed this pain. This is very difficult for me to admit, because admitting to it means accepting the reality of my situation. I tried to pursue happiness at the start of the year, but instead I watched my life fall apart – slowly, steadily, and surely. It has almost been a year, and I’m still working on piecing my life back together again. My healing is a work in progress, something that I know will take a very long while.

Perhaps in the pursuit of happiness, I was chasing in the wrong direction. I tried to chase after what made me happy and what I loved. But I didn’t realise that I first have to be happy from within and to love myself, before accepting them from others or other things in life. It takes a lot for a person to attain self-confidence, to be self-assured in one’s own skin in this judgmental world that we live in. I am no where near being comfortable in my own skin, but I know that I have a Father who loves me very much for all my merits, for all my flaws, even when I find it so difficult to love myself.

Despite all my personal trials and tribulations, I am incredibly thankful to God for the year that has just past. A similar heartache was experienced four years back, and I subsequently gradually fell away from the faith because of that. This year, even after all the pain that was infinitely greater than the last, I found myself clinging onto Him even more. Maybe over the years I’ve matured enough to know what is important in life, to understand and realize where my priorities lie. Of course there were times when I didn’t feel like God was with me, that He was far away and left me alone to experience life independently. But just because I felt that way, it didn't mean that He was never close by watching me, ready to catch me when I stumbled.

I am thankful that He has carried me and walked me through the past year, because I know I would have never been able to do it alone with my own strength.

What I’ve learnt in the year is that it’s okay not to be okay, that everyone hurts, that it’s okay for others to see/feel your pain. I made myself more vulnerable than I should have, placed myself in difficult situations, and put myself out of my comfort zone. It takes A LOT of courage to take a leap of faith. Maybe that leap will make you fly, or maybe it will make you fall; but even when you fall, there will always be a way back up. Always. 

Sometimes, your life has to fall apart for it to get pieced together again.